"Bully" Should Be Beaten Up

Show of hands: who here wasn't tortured by bullies in high school, and desperately wanted to strike back (I'm talking to you, Charles Weninger, you neo-Nazi shithead)? I know I felt that way (I'm like the lone radical liberal in the middle of Conservative County Kansas, so don't be shocked) and when I heard about the concept of "Bully," an Xbox 360 game which allows a pushed-around kid to strike back without blowing his school sky-high, I was immediately attracted to the concept and picked it up.

However, in terms of gaming, I'd have to assign "Bully" an F. There is not a single video game class that "Bully" passes to keep me from expelling out of my gaming collection.

But I'll back up and compliment the graphics. "Bully" attempts to create an image of modern, pulpy comics with the latest cartoon animation. The best comparison I can think of is "007 GoldenEye" from the Nintendo 64, which depicted similarly large-headed avatars running around during trigger play. The graphics during the cinematic movies are quite a bit better, and should be complimented accordingly.

However, it's difficult to be overly excited about the graphics when the angles will, during absolutely critical moments in the game, gyrate like the screen has been possessed by an epileptic seizure. This is unfortunate, because as bully-busting rebel Joe, you occasionally need to be able to flee from incompetent school authorities, who can't seem to realize when you're striking out, you're really just fighting back, yet possess the sense of Sabretooth when it comes to tracking you down and dragging your squalling hide back into the principal's office.

More to the point, it's almost as if the creators were so focused on making the graphics aesthetically pleasing, they completely forgot to double-check that the game play itself is interesting. Suffice it to say, it isn't. Each game feels like it's straining to be interesting and playable. The concepts are fabulous, but the delivery doesn't follow through. The most interesting mini-game involves dissecting a frog, but the task is so tedious as to be completely unengaging.

The mini-games also randomly shake like they're hanging over the Golden Gate Bridge 1989. As a result of the misguided angle seizing, it makes it almost impossible to complete quests, which are dolled out one by one. The interface of the game refuses to allow you to take on multiple quests (wait, let's us gamespeak; "errands") at a time. This not only makes gameplay a time-consuming process, it feels more like prepping for an Algebra test than a dose of entertainment.

Adding insult to injury, there appears to be a video interlude on average of once every three minutes. This approach makes it nearly impossible to really enjoy the game from a first-person experience because just was you become comfortable in the character's skin, you're again treated to a third-party perspective, and many of the videos last longer than the individual trigger play.

I generally try to minimize my scorn in reviews, but sitting here I am wondering what in the hell makes anyone like this game. Joe is a decent enough anti-hero and that's cool, and obviously the animation is pretty sweet too. I'll even give it extra credit for the implied affair between the principal and his administrative assistant. Yet this game is an absolute failure and frankly I want my $20 back. More than that, I want the last three hours that I wasted playing this colossal disappointment. I think the makers should be shot--no, wait, just put into detention for a long, long time.

In the interim, I think I'm going to take my copy of "Bully" outside and teach it a lesson.